only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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