I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I love you. Go after that dick
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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