if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
my shit smells like andre
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
