toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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