just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him