it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.