Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.