I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
