When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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