I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
