my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
