I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
