Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
