Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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