and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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