I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
