I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
