Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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