Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
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You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
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I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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