textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
