Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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