just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
