Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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