so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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