I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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