i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
