Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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