If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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