In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
