Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
