I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
