You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
