ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
