Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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