Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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