My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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