And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
