wanna go halves on a baby?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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