Just fell off a train. Bad.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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