I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
