All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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