I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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