apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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