the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize