Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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