someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
