its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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