He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
