its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
My ass is underappreciated
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
