Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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