I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
