I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
