I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
The best revenge is premature balding
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
