her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
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