after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
