That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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