Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
