btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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